Self Harm Awareness Day

I have spent a good four hours working on this post; quite simply because I want to give it justice

It's an important thing and a horrible thing that most people at some point find it easier to take a blade to themselves than have the ability to talk about their problems to someone {this is not necessarily the case sometimes people do talk about their problems I guess but I just felt that that was the issue with me}

I'm 19. 

I went through a stage of depression between the ages of 16-18

There are days I still feel depressed; it doesn't just go away

I have a few people that I believe might have caused elements of my depression

I certainly know that my depression was caused by my eating disorder

I know who caused part of my eating disorder

but do I have a right to "blame" anyone for my actions?

At the age of 16 I suffered with glandular fever. It was a horrible condition for anyone that had it and I soon found that my 8-10 size self could fit into a size 4 without any issues. I didn't notice the size, I noticed myself gaining weight once I felt better, I couldn't handle this and quickly began to restrict the amount of food that I ate. With each bite that I didn't eat the perfectionist within myself was fighting personal battles, the battle between wanting to be thin and wanting to be skinny and perfect and small and the battle between wanting my parents to understand what I was going to and to be the perfect daughter and to stop lying to them about everything within my life. It was hard and is still the thing that I regret most. Well that was that. Was it? of course not. People started to comment about how thin I was and what I was eating. Leave me alone, I feel sick every-time I eat. MORE LIES! {When where they going to stop} people tried to convince me to eat. I'll eat when I'm hungry. MORE LIES! The guilt began to rack up and one day I was so frustrated that I threw a glass across my room. The glass bounced off the radiator and hit my hand causing blood to pour out of my arm. I ran to the bathroom to clear myself up but there was something therapeutic about having an outward cut the idea that I wasn't just hurting outside, I wasn't just a pretty person anymore. I was disfigured by one small cut.

From then on wards every-time I starved I cut, to make myself feel guilty for what I was doing to other people.

That was until one day; I told my Mum I was sick and I needed to stay off school due to people bullying me about well me being me to be perfectly honest. I watched a documentary about a girl that had glandular fever and had died from being anorexic ... I panicked and confessed everything to my Mum. It wasn't as hard as I thought it was, she listened and told me that we could get the right amount of help for everything. Once I knew she didn't feel disapointed in me I stopped feeling as guilty about everything. I still don't eat alot. I still get depressed but sometimes when you work in a team it's easier to overcome things.

Self Harm Awareness; Ladies and Gentleman is not a joke

SpoiltBrunette xo

P.S I hope I did it justice