Social Standards and Dreams

Good Morning Bloggers, 

With the season of spring drawing upon us, Easter becoming closer by the day and Exam season just round the corner you have to excuse the lateness of this post. I know some of you think that all I do is blog, which was originally true, however now I have complications and assignments in my life which is always a depressing concept. However depressing concept or not they have to be written.
My dreams? 
I wanted to be a writer, hence the late rush to own a blog. I adored English and just simply hated my English teacher. I always believed and still do that my life was interesting enough to be written about, with all the high school complexes, the eating disorder, the anxiety attacks, the ability to fall in and out of love so quickly ... I'm a gossip girls dream. I spend my life fighting between the demons of what I want to do and what my parents expect me to do and I really want to be a writer but apparently business is my calling according to well anyone that knows me. I'm a team leader apparently. I thought this was just code name for bossy but I do have this ability to manipulate anyone and make them do what I want, I pick groups of friends that are nothing like me so that I either feel like a team leader or an outsider, risky business friend picking and not something that I would advise, you should probably actually want to be friends with your friends which most days I don't. Let me explain;

• University I have a social group of about 8 people. 4 housemates and 4 people that I do my course with
• In university there are about 2 additional people outside that social circle that I would include as my actual friends
• There are a plethora of irrelevant people that I speak to because I need to feel needed sometimes 
• There are a few people I dislike
• There are a few psycho's that I hate
• There are people that I just have never heard of

I pick the people that are not necessarily loyal to me because I have loyal friends that live half an hour away from me in my hometown I didn't come to university to make my life long friends, if that happened then that happened but it wasn't something that I was going to go out of my way to become. I refused to change when I went to university, I was not going to reinvent myself as other people seemed to have done. I was still the slightly orange, drinking champagne, problematic white girl that left high school with the same amount of issues that she had when she left. I became more open about my eating disorder forcing people to either accept or judge me, some people told me to JUST EAT - eugh irrelevant and some people told me that they didn't understand how I could do it! Please easily!

However, when I came to university I did not expect to fall in love. Like at all. I don't do love I do brief crushes and if they show an interest back I run away ... seriously run away but I'm staying at the moment. He's not into me and we are just friends but who knows I'm a problematic white girl who will over analyse everything in her head but maybe some of those analytically incorrect things will be the reason that we end up together.

Hope you have a brilliant day

Lots of Love

Spoilt Brunette 

xoxo 

Self Harm Awareness Day

I have spent a good four hours working on this post; quite simply because I want to give it justice

It's an important thing and a horrible thing that most people at some point find it easier to take a blade to themselves than have the ability to talk about their problems to someone {this is not necessarily the case sometimes people do talk about their problems I guess but I just felt that that was the issue with me}

I'm 19. 

I went through a stage of depression between the ages of 16-18

There are days I still feel depressed; it doesn't just go away

I have a few people that I believe might have caused elements of my depression

I certainly know that my depression was caused by my eating disorder

I know who caused part of my eating disorder

but do I have a right to "blame" anyone for my actions?

At the age of 16 I suffered with glandular fever. It was a horrible condition for anyone that had it and I soon found that my 8-10 size self could fit into a size 4 without any issues. I didn't notice the size, I noticed myself gaining weight once I felt better, I couldn't handle this and quickly began to restrict the amount of food that I ate. With each bite that I didn't eat the perfectionist within myself was fighting personal battles, the battle between wanting to be thin and wanting to be skinny and perfect and small and the battle between wanting my parents to understand what I was going to and to be the perfect daughter and to stop lying to them about everything within my life. It was hard and is still the thing that I regret most. Well that was that. Was it? of course not. People started to comment about how thin I was and what I was eating. Leave me alone, I feel sick every-time I eat. MORE LIES! {When where they going to stop} people tried to convince me to eat. I'll eat when I'm hungry. MORE LIES! The guilt began to rack up and one day I was so frustrated that I threw a glass across my room. The glass bounced off the radiator and hit my hand causing blood to pour out of my arm. I ran to the bathroom to clear myself up but there was something therapeutic about having an outward cut the idea that I wasn't just hurting outside, I wasn't just a pretty person anymore. I was disfigured by one small cut.

From then on wards every-time I starved I cut, to make myself feel guilty for what I was doing to other people.

That was until one day; I told my Mum I was sick and I needed to stay off school due to people bullying me about well me being me to be perfectly honest. I watched a documentary about a girl that had glandular fever and had died from being anorexic ... I panicked and confessed everything to my Mum. It wasn't as hard as I thought it was, she listened and told me that we could get the right amount of help for everything. Once I knew she didn't feel disapointed in me I stopped feeling as guilty about everything. I still don't eat alot. I still get depressed but sometimes when you work in a team it's easier to overcome things.

Self Harm Awareness; Ladies and Gentleman is not a joke

SpoiltBrunette xo

P.S I hope I did it justice